perfection took our place…

Well, it’s been a while since I’ve written here. It’s not like I haven’t had anything to say (I always have something to say – just ask my family and friends;)). I just keep thinking of things that I should write out and process through, but don’t want to take the time to do it. So, here I am on a Saturday morning writing once again to you all about something I’ve really been thinking about a lot lately. I’m going to be honest with all of you here, so get ready for it!

I think I have to be perfect all the time or else I fail and no one will love me. 

Woah. Ok. There I said it. I wanted to get it over with right in the beginning. This is really something I wrestle with all the time. This whole thought cycle of “if I mess up, no one will trust me again, no one will want to be around me, and I have failed God in living the life He has called me to.” Can I just say to you all, that is a COMPLETE lie from the devil. It’s easy to think that as a follower of Christ, you cannot make big mistakes and must look perfect (even though you know you’re not). This is not the life Christ calls us to live at all.

This summer, I’ll be on staff with TEAMeffort Missions (if you want to read a little bit about what I’ll be doing, check out their website http://www.teameffort.org/). I am so excited to be working with an organization that focuses on community missional outreach as youth groups come down for the week. But, that irritating thought of “but I might mess up and disappoint everyone” popped into my head within minutes of me finding out they wanted me to work for them over the summer. And this happened again when I began working with Young Life at the beginning of the summer; when I started AWANA last semester; and, when I found out I’ll be an RA next year. Why does it keep coming up? And, how do I honestly confront this lie with truth. Christ has set us free – that’s what this whole blog is all about. So why do I continually think that I have to live by the bondage of perfection? If I’m honest, it’s for two (dumb) reasons:

1. Christ doesn’t see all that I do (I think we’ve all thought this one subconsciously even though we know he sees everything)

2. I don’t want to be hypocritical by saying one thing and then messing up, ending up doing exactly what I said we all shouldn’t do.

I know there are many times where I think that after I do something wrong and sin against God that I cannot approach Him or else He’ll know that I failed. I know, I know – He knows everything and I can’t hide anything from Him (just look at Adam and Eve). But, my first reaction any time I fail God is that I cannot approach Him for a while until I get my life in order again. If you do that (as I know I do), just STOP! In Hebrews 4:13, God tells us “no creature is hidden from his sight, but all are naked and exposed to the eyes of him to whom we must give account.” He knows everything. Okay. And the amazing thing is, Hebrews 4 gets even better. Check this out:

“Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast to our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.”

We do not need to be perfect to go before God. Because of Christ, we can approach the throne of God with confidence because Christ was the perfect, atoning sacrifice, and God already knows all we have ever done and ever will do. He understands us better and knows us more than we understand and know ourselves. He wants us to come before him in our brokenness, failures, and imperfections. He redeemed us from the punishment of our sin and imperfection. Live in that freedom! Lastly on this section – Hebrews 10:23 says “Let us hold fast to the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful.” God won’t suddenly change His mind and not want His children to approach Him anymore. He is faithful. He is good. He is compassionate. He is perfect love. Embrace Him and His promises, despite failures, messiness, brokenness, and the craziness of the lives we all live.

I feel like I have to have my life all together, fool everyone into thinking I don’t have struggles, and act perfect all the time – ESPECIALLY because I’m at a Christian school. If I’m being completely honest here, I have to tell you that I feel as if so many people here live in a way that makes me think “I better not mess up around them or they’re going to think I’m a “bad” Christian and judge me forever.” It’s no wonder the outside world looks at Christians and calls us hypocrites. So, the one I’ve processed through this whole issue is to just be honest with people. I want everyone to know that I’m not perfect, and I don’t expect them to be either. By being open, honest, and broken before those around me, I am able to (hopefully) remind them that I don’t hold anyone to the standard of perfection, and want to love them like Christ has loved me and be with them in this crazy journey called life. Hebrews 10:24-25 is a perfect way to sum this up:

“And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.“

Let’s commit to loving one another more deeply, allowing them to live in the freedom of Christ. If someone is caught up in sin, call them out on it in a loving, not condescending, way. If someone is discouraged, encourage them with scripture, prayer, and words. If someone is rejoicing, rejoice with them. If someone is feeling far from God, pray for them and love them in a way where you are Christ to them despite them feeling far away.

I hope these ramblings help you understand the freedom we have from the need to be perfect. Christ paid the price for us and set us free from those chains of the pressure to never mess up. Let’s be honest with one another, encourage one another, and be Christ to one another and the world around us. 

Thank you Christ for being the perfect, atoning sacrifice – that I could never be – that allows me to approach the throne of God with confidence. Thank you for loving me despite my failures, and still calling me yours when I daily need to be preached the gospel. Thank you for covering me with undeserved mercy and grace. Amen.

for the joy set before him he endured the cross…

Christ joyfully endured the cross so that we could be free.

This radical, beautiful, life-changing truth has been stirring my heart the past few days.

This verse has constantly been on my mind:

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.”

 ~Hebrews 12:1-3

Let this invade your world.

Let this transform how you live.

Let this move you closer to Christ.

Thank you Jesus for surrendering your life so that I may freely live.

Christ in the Chaos

For if we died with Him, we shall also live with Him.

If we endure, we shall also reign with Him.

If we deny Him, He also will deny us.

If we are faithless, He remains faithful;

For He cannot deny Himself

2 Timothy 2:11-13

God is faithful. Go back and read that again. HE IS FAITHFUL despite my cranky attitude, sin, failures, mistakes, a bad grade, how crappy I feel, the stupid things I say and do, how I view myself. When I am faithless to Him, He still keeps His promises because He cannot deny himself. God is still God, and He cannot be unfaithful because He cannot go against who He innately is! That’s just crazy to me. 

This whole idea of the faithfulness of God has been constantly on my heart the past few weeks. I have been crazy busy with school, summer plans, ministries, planning for nursing clinical next year, interviews for an RA position, and trying to have a social life. And honestly, today the business overwhelmed me and I crashed. After a long day of classes and meetings, I was hit with a wave of exhaustion and crankiness. I was DEFINITELY not pleasant to be around. Yet, this was part of God’s way of gently tugging at my heart to remind me that I need to rely on Him. I can’t run around like craziness in all this chaos and not make time to rest in Christ and in His presence. Only He can give me real rest to give me the strength to get through the chaos of life. He will faithfully fill me with HIS joy, HIS strength, HIS peace, and HIS rest. In Matthew 11, Jesus tells us this:

“Come to me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”

Guys, that’s a promise! He wants me to run to Him, to fully put my trust in Him, to find my rest in Him. It’s so easy to think that just watching a TV show, working out, taking a nap, or some other de-stressor, will give me rest and energy. But when it comes down to it, those things never give me complete rest or peace, and ultimately, they don’t satisfy. Christ is the one who satisfies, redeems, restores, comforts, and makes me whole. 

He will always keep His promises and never take His love away from me. That’s incredibly and insanely beautiful compassion toward me – someone who, on days like today, really comes to see the depths of my depravity and fallenness. The grace and mercy of Christ goes deeper than my lowest moment, and is higher than my greatest one. He will always remain faithful; will never leave me or forsake me; and will keep me as the apple of His eye, hidden under the shadow of His wing. I pray that each day I can rest more deeply in Him and the unchanging promise of His faithfulness despite my unfaithfulness. 

His Glory, Not Mine

On Sunday, Rob Turner spoke on singleness at APEX church. And, in all honesty, I hate messages on singleness. I do not want the “gift” of singleness. Like I said – just being honest. I don’t want to go through life without a husband and a family. It’s not that I can’t do it, I just don’t want to. I do believe there are blessings in singleness, such as the ability to serve the Lord with fewer distractions…it’s just hard to imagine never being married.

I know that it comes down to trusting the Lord fully and loving Him with my whole heart. It’s about worshiping the One who gives me everything, not what is given to me. It reminds me of this quote: “Let us worship the creator, not the created.” I desire marriage and a family, and I really do believe that I could better serve the Lord together with them than on my own. 

This does, however, remind me that I need to let go of everything that I try to plan out for the future. Loving and serving God means surrendering my plans, trusting and following His, and living my life to bring glory to Him, not me and my plans.

This morning, I came across the story of Abraham and Isaac in Genesis 22 during my time with God. It’s really weird how God works like that. It’s just crazy to me the faith that Abraham must have had. Abraham loved Isaac, had waited so long to have a son, and didn’t want any harm to come to him; however, he was so obedient to the Lord and laid everything out on the altar. Then, and only then, was Isaac spared, and blessings fell on Abraham. I know that there are parts of me that I still have yet to lay on the altar – like the desire to get married. It all comes down to this one question: Do I trust Christ enough, and all that He did for me and has planned for me, to lay these plans, desires, and, even idols, down at the altar? I pray that God would help me to let go of what I’m clinging to, and cling to Him alone. This is a verse I know I’ve heard so many times, but it just really hit me today:

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to  prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

He doesn’t want me to be miserable and unhappy; He wants me to lay everything down before Him, trust Him, and live in the freedom of His love, mercy, and grace. His plans for me are such that in the end, HE will receive all the glory. I pray that He would make make my desires to be a reflection of His desires and plans. There is really nothing better than living in the love and will of Christ.

 

Love Keeps No Record of Wrongs

I wrote this a few weeks ago as I wrestled through unforgiveness and bitterness in my life. Since that point, God has definitely worked on my heart A TON and healed and changed my heart, taking away the bitterness and unforgiveness I had. But, please read on to understand what God was teaching me, and how He was doing so in that time of my life.

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“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiven each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

~ Ephesians 4: 31-32

I just would like to begin by saying I am a pro at putting things out of sight, out of mind whenever I don’t want to deal with them. I can easily just shove a frustration aside, and act as if it was never there. That is, until it builds, and it finally all bubbles out. And then, you go from a small issue of a few clothes scattered on your heart’s “bedroom floor,” to trash, clothes, papers, textbooks, and dust bunnies replacing the floor instead.

I’m part of a bible study with a few other girls, and we’ve been going through The Christian Atheist by Craig Groeschel. As I sat in my room this morning and pulled out my bible study book, I felt a knot in my stomach begin to form as I saw that the chapter for this week’s bible study was entitled “When You Believe in God but Won’t Forgive.” As I begin to read, God began to really break down my walls, not gently prodding at my heart, but pretty much taking a battering ram to the walls that I’ve built up to protect that unforgiveness that I so desperately want to harbor in there. I cannot remember the last time I have been so convicted. Even still now, 12 hours later, I am completely wrecked, broken, and torn apart by how God completely exposed the bitterness I’ve been holding in my heart.

I think I can speak for all of us when I say that we’ve been hurt, let down, disappointed, rejected, left out, offended, torn apart or wronged by people that we care about; and honestly, the worst part is knowing that I’ve also done the same to others. No one has mastered the art of being perfect. I am most definitely very, very far from perfection. That’s where Christ, and His grace and compassion, flood into my imperfect, broken, messed up heart. I am just amazed at how much Christ has forgiven me for – and not in a “let me think about it and get back to you” kinda way. When I stand before God, Christ steps in and says “Not a single thing she has done wrong is to be held against her – I will take the separation, the punishment, the judgment for what she has done.” THAT’S COMPLETELY INSANE. He did no wrong, yet bore every single sin on the cross, leading to complete separation from the God of the Universe – His very own Father, FOR ME AND YOU. WHAT?!?!

So as I sat there this morning, God exposed the areas in my life that He wants to work through with me, that I’ve been trying to hide from Him, but cannot hide any longer. If I am completely honest here, as I’ve really been trying to be, I’ve been really hurt over the past six months from people I’ve deeply cared about. But the thing is, I’ve been clinging to this hurt, rationalizing my bitterness, letting it take root in my heart. And now, I’m left here with this huge weed growing, that has been watered by toxic thoughts lacking in love, full of bitterness, wishing unhappiness on people I once cared deeply about,  and unwilling to forgive. While feeding this weed, I’ve completely lost sight of the Cross and all that Christ has done for me. Love keeps no records of wrong. Christ holds nothing against me, despite the deepest, most unfathomable pain that I have caused Him by choosing me and my selfishness over Him.

So, where do I go from here?

The one thing I know is that time doesn’t heal bitterness; Jesus does.

I can’t tell you that all my bitterness is gone. And, I can’t tell you that I’ve forgiven and let go of everything done to me. But, I can tell you that God is really working on my heart, pushing me to work through all of the hurt – and the emotions, thoughts, and actions associated with it – I’ve shoved aside, thinking I’d never have to deal with it. Christ gave His life so that I would be able to live a life set free from the entanglements of sin and this world. Because I have been set free through His love and forgiveness, I am called to love and forgiveness others as well. I know that through Christ, I can do this. And the beautiful, incredible thing about this is that I do not have to do it alone – He is with me every step of the way. I know there are people that I need to talk to, things I need to process through, and much more work that God has to do in my heart to chip away at the hardened parts of my heart in order to mold me into the woman He desires me to be. I think I easily forget that we are all works in progress, but thank you, God, for not being finished with us yet. I’ll leave you all with this quote from the chapter I read today that God used mightily to shine His light into the dark places of my heart that I’ve not wanted to let Him into:

“We Christian atheists can rationalize as many excuses as we need to avoid forgiving. We Christians, however, can find in God the sheer strength to battle through the feelings of anger, hatred, and bitterness, and fight our way back to the cross. That’s where Christ forgave us. And that’s where, by faith, we can find the ability to forgive those who’ve wronged us.”

God, thank you for your forgiveness that I do not deserve. Thank you for keeping no record of my wrongs. Please help me to forgive the hurt done to me. Break down my pride and stubbornness, and show me how to love and forgive like you’ve loved and forgiven me. Amen.

Clear the Stage by Jimmy Needham

I’d heard this song before, but it was brought up in a bible study I went to last week. These lyrics just really break me:

“Anything I put before my God is an idol
Anything I want with all my heart is an idol
And anything I can’t stop thinking of is an idol
And anything that I give all my love is an idol”

What are my idols? These things that consume my heart, thoughts, and mind. What is keeping me from loving God with every piece of me? Nothing can take His place. Only Christ can satisfy and make me whole. He is one who deserves every part of my worship, all the glory, and to be the sole thing I adore.

Wholly Surrendered

Crap. You know, today is just one of those days where the weather is funky, I feel off, I’m stressed about school and the future, and I just wish that I could be at home with my family. And, the worst (and best) part is that I know why I feel this way. I have been telling myself for the longest time that every area of my life is totally surrendered to God, when in reality, I’m still trying to control everything. I’m so unsure of what I’ll do with my summer, where I’ll live next year, if I’ll be an RA or not, and so many other thoughts. I know that I should surrender my desires and plans to Christ, but I have such a hard time with trusting Him with all that. Why do I always try to do this? I trust Christ with my salvation, but I can’t trust him with my life? That’s crazy.

So, where do I go from this point of confusion, stress, worries about the future, and lack of trust? This always brings me back to a Philippians 4:6-7

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Is that easy to do for someone like me, who loves to be in control and hates change? No. But God’s plans are so much greater, more perfect, and ultimately, bring more glory to HIM, than my own plans. He calms the storms, holds me in the palm of His hand, has me as the apple of His eye, and guides me in the path of righteousness for His name’s sake. This life is about Him and His glory, not about me and my selfish plans. 

God, please help me to let go of the things that I try to control and lay them at your feet. I want my life to reflect You and Your goodness, grace, compassion, and mercy. I want to trust You with every aspect of my life; please help me in the areas that I’m still clinging to. Turn my anxiety into peace. I want to live my life as one that is salt and light in this dark, broken world. You have me right where You need me to be; I know that You will continue to to reveal the ways in which I am to go when I wholeheartedly seek after You. I want to be wholly surrendered to You, broken at the Cross on where You gave Your life for mine so that I might freely live.